I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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