Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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