Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
