oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
