Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
