I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
