I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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