literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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