Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
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First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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