saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
