mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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