That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
