Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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