Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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