what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
