Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize