did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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