i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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