i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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