why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
