Don't make out with my wife yet
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
