JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
