the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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