Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
