I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
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its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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