i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
