This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
