At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
mondays should just be called national damage control day
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
