there's paper in my vomit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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