Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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