i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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