i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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