I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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