hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
