I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
