I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
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How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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