Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
