I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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