my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
