If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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