I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
