weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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