I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
