first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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