I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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