1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
