Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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