I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
