I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
