nut hugger
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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